by Dr Eben van Blerk
Prior articles in the Emotional Intelligence series:
- What Emotional Intelligence (EQ) really means and how it can be a good predictor of success
- 7 Misconceptions about Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence has become one of the top predictors of success in life, in the office and at home. Emotional intelligence can be learnt and can be improved over time as we continue to learn from our daily experiences in life. Improving your emotional intelligence will probably be one of the most difficult personal challenges. You will not become more emotionally intelligent without practicing these skills. You have to believe there is room for improvement in managing your own emotions. Developing emotional intelligence skills is not easy. It requires commitment to the cause, ongoing hard work, persistence and acute self-awareness.
Lack of Self-awareness
How do you know you lack self-awareness? Some of the tell-tale signs of a lack of self-awareness may be as follows:
· You are not able to easily read a room and pick up emotional signals
· You find it difficult to put yourself in the shoes of others
· You do not know how you come across to others (and you do not care)
· You do not know who you are and how your behaviour impacts others
· You find it difficult to admit and take responsibility for your mistakes
· You do not react well to feedback and often become defensive
· You often do not know what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way
Where to start
Where does one start? First you have to get to know yourself in order to start understanding how you are coming across and when and how to manage your emotions. Self-awareness is the basis of our relationships with others. Once you have the self-awareness to know when and how to manage your emotions, you can develop the empathy to put yourself in the shoes of others and truly understand their feelings. This will be the ideal position to build and manage interpersonal relationships, manage conflict and effectively collaborate with others. The problem is often people do not know how to develop their self-awareness.
Steps to develop self-awareness
#1 Decide to change
You have to start this journey of self-development because you want to and because you are convinced that there is room for developing your self-awareness. Developing these skills does not happen overnight. If you are not committed and dedicated it will take longer and in all probability lead to frustration with very little personal growth.
#2 Build an emotional vocabulary
Before you can learn the skill to manage your emotions, you need to know what you are feeling. Compile a list of feeling words (emotions) and use the list to label emotions as you experience them. Examples are angry, hurt, inferior, jealous, irritated, happy, frustrated, insecure, anxious, motivated and concerned. Extend the list as you learn to identify your feelings and expand your emotional vocabulary. When you are able to name your feelings, it is easier to start managing your emotions that lead to unproductive behaviour and negatively impact others.
#3 Get to know your personality
Once you have built a level of emotional vocabulary, you need to know why you are experiencing the emotions you listed. This will help to manage your emotions. Get to know your personality. An easy way is to complete some of the many free personality tests on the internet. This will provide you with a good overview to start. Also, start observing yourself in the moment, during happy times and during conflict. What are you feeling in the situation and why are you feeling that way? How do you respond in the situation and how does your body respond? Additional to a personality test, ask others for feedback on how you come across.
#4 Ask for feedback
Ask family members, your spouse, colleagues and friends with whom you have a trusting relationship to give you feedback on how you come across. Ask for honest feedback on what they think of you and your behaviour. How they experience you when you are on top of the world as well as in the moments you are not that proud of? Compare your self-perception with your reputation with your colleagues and your circle of friends. Take their feedback to heart. Reflect and use their feedback as part of your development journey. Continue to ask for specific feedback as you work on specific development areas.
#5 Write your own eulogy
The idea of writing your own eulogy may seem grim and make you uncomfortable initially. This could however provide you with valuable insight to live a more fulfilled life. Take time to reflect on your life. Consider how much you mean to other people, what you do for others and what kind of person you are. Think of what have you accomplished thus far in your life. What will you say about yourself if you had to deliver the eulogy? What do you think others will say? Consider what you want to be remembered for and what you want people to feel and say about you after your passing.
Improved self-awareness
Now that you understand self-awareness better and you have the steps to improve your self-awareness, it becomes easier to commit to growing your emotional intelligence. You will find that improved self-awareness will provide a better understanding of your motives, behaviour and thinking. This will enable you to start making informed choices towards healthy and productive relationships with others.
About the Author:
| Eben van Blerk, a Doctor of Technology, has more than 25 years’ practical team work experience. He has published articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications. |
Contact him on LinkedIn if you need a speaker or workshop facilitator on emotional intelligence for your next team engagement. His emotional intelligence talks and programmes are popular in the corporate and private sector. It will equip your team with knowledge and tools for improved communication, effective conflict handling and managing their emotions towards a more productive and fulfilled business and personal life.